The Trial of Parkourdude91

Jace took the trial videos down, but a recorded version can be downloaded here

On the 25th of October 2013, Jace "Parkourdude91" Conners decided that the time was right for something he had been working towards for some time: a round-table discussion with some of the internet superheroes who were voicing their unparalleled horror at his continued retardation. He advertised the event as a "trial", although Jace himself was playing the roles of defendant and judge; CIADude420 was designated as the role of a judge, but failed to show up. This article will attempt to piece together what happened on that evening of remorse and faggotry.

Backstory
For some weeks beforehand, various YouTube figures had been stressing the importance of actually getting into Jace's brain to try to understand his increasingly outlandish and often downright retarded statements. In particular, one YouTuber by the name of FlyAwayN0w, having already made a couple of videos trying to get Jace to explain his retardation, decided to moot to Jace the possibility of a polite and reasonable discussion about Jace's beliefs, with a limited audience to prevent interference constant rape by trolls.

Jace had either not listened to FlyAwayN0w's earlier videos or did not consider him a serious troll, as he readily agreed to the idea in concept, although, being a greedy little boy, he wanted to make the rules. And so it was decided: Jace and FlyAwayN0w would assemble on Steam in the "safe space" otherwise known as Deagle Nation Chat (the Steam HQ of Jace's "Secret Army" of counter-trolls ).

Also in attendence would be chosen representatives from both factions: FlyAwayN0w brought a number of intellectual and professional friends of his, from a diverse range of practical and military backgrounds, all of them highly intelligent and fluent communicators. He also brought along the seasoned troll and student of War WachtAmWeb, AKA Vague Englishman.

For his "side", Jace had his faithful 15-year-old friend and second-in-command Tyce Andrews, the mysterious Jimbob Jenkins (almost certainly a deep-cover troll), and the even more mysterious CIADude420, another deep-cover troll (in Jace's words: "I've known him since January, he's legit").

the trial plan http://pastebin.com/ZpkbypPF

On the day
Jace and FlyAwayN0w agreed to a set of rules that both parties would abide to, and Jace advertised the discussion on YouTube and Tumblr. The whole shebang was to be livestreamed by Jace on his Hashd account, who had clearly not learned from his mistakes in the past. As per the rules, FlyAwayN0w, WachtAmWeb and FlyAwayN0w's buddies (including DutchBash and TheAlmightyHodor, to name a couple) arrived on Steam at 6:50 EST for their briefing, and no briefing arrived. Finally, at just after 7pm things began to get under way, with the main figures (except for CIADude420, mysteriously enough) congregating on Steam and a large number of /k/ommandos and trolls arriving on the Hashd Stream, which Tyce was poorly attempting to moderate.

Each figure in the debate was asked to introduce himself (and given a thoroughly inadequate time to do so). FlyAwayN0w's /k/omrades tried their hardest to put across their varied professions, skills and competences in as brief a way as possible, receiving only scorn and criticism from Jace.

Technical issues plagued this initial stage, with DutchBash and WachtAmWeb being forced to rely on typing to communicate with the group for want of adequate microphones. Jace started as he meant to continue, ridiculing the accent of one of FlyAwayN0w's lieutenants, La Inquisicion Espanola, simply because he was Spanish and his mic was not working very well; Jace's exact words were "I don't speak Taco Bell".

After several of the prosecution expressed their disgust towards Jace's attitude, the debate began in earnest, at least 25 minutes late. The procedure of the debate was fairly simple: the floor was given 20 minutes to discuss each of the three topics proposed by FlyAwayN0w; respectively, these were Jace's claims to Marine-hood, Jace's attitudes towards the Middle East and Terrorism, and his behaviour in general. On each topic, the plaintiffs had to ask permission to speak, and were then given one minute to ask a question or assert a point to Jace, who, after every few points, would address them. The whole set-up was inadequate, not least when we consider that one minute is not a great amount of time to politely phrase an intellectual question, or when we consider that several of the plaintiffs were forced to type their questions. In addition, Jace frequently struggled to adequately address the plaintiffs, especially "Su-22M4 Fitter-K" and "MiG-21bis Fishbed-L", whose names he could not even pronounce. Tyce and Jace were unafraid to cut off the plaintiffs or to ignore their questions, and frequently did so.

Throughout the evening, Jace referred to the discussion as "a court of law", and referred to having spent two days sober of drink and drugs in preparation for the event. Such displays of self-sacrifice and asceticism are unheard of in the course of history.

Opening Salvoes
The debate got going in earnest with WachtAmWeb going straight for the jugular and questioning Jace's claims to being a Marine. He asked for Jace's rank, MOS, training and Pay Grade; the kind of questions that a prisoner held under the Geneva convention is obliged to answer under interrogation. Jace refused to proffer any answers, simply stating that he was a Marine and that this was final.

FlyAwayN0w's plaintiffs did not give up, however; they politely and fairly asked about Jace's ship-date and date of his passing-out of the Parris Island Training Centre; Jace again refused to answer this question, and referred the plaintiffs to the patch which he had bought at the Army Barracks Military Surplus store during the infamous September Tapes, and subsequently velcroed onto the chest pocket of a military surplus BDU jacket (an odd place for a shoulder-patch). He claimed that "not just anyone" would be "awarded" such a patch, and that the store at which he bought it "wasn't just open to anyone".

The plaintiffs immediately linked Jace to an eBay page offering the patch for $6.99, which Jace promptly ignored. Shortly afterwards, Jace railed against the "nerds" on /k/ who kept on asking him to cite his sources to back up his claims. He purported that he didn't need to cite his sources because he got his information "from real life", and that wikipedia was "for nerds". When WachtAmWeb asked Jace how anyone could know anything if no-one cited their sources, Jace ignored him.

Meanwhile, the chat section of the Hashd stream was being flooded by trolls from /k/ with such slogans as "Can't Corner the Dorner" and "Tyce, you cannot stop me". Tyce was being pushed to his limit by the number of bans he was having to hand down, blissfully unaware that Hashd requires no email confirmation and that a troll could simply create another sockpuppet account as soon as one was banned.

[Internal Screaming Intensifies]
The conversation next moved to the topic of Islamic extremism, terrorism and the Middle East. Jace and Tyce both engaged in the discussion in this issue, revealing an unbelievable naivety regarding the nature of terrorism. Jace mooted the suggestion that Islam and Terrorism were infact two sides of the same coin; when the plaintiffs promptly gave literally dozens of examples of non-Muslim terrorist organisations, such as the Irish Republican Army, Jace dismissed these out hand, displaying an alarming lack of awareness that any such groups existed.

For example, on being questioned about the IRA, Jace said "they're called an army, that means they're fighting to take out the enemy soldiers". Despite several definitions of terrorism being provided by different sources (including from the FBI's website), Jace refused to budge on his standpoint that only Muslims can commit terrorist acts. Tyce dismissed the FBI definition because the FBI "are shitheads".

In a departure from the topic, Jace also attempted to address the question of his opposition to the Obama administration and its "socialist" policies; when questioned as to what Socialism was, Jace could not offer a definition, choosing instead to mumble and say "so yeah, that's what I think... because that's what I believe".

The plaintiffs expressed astonishment and sarcastic mirth at such chronic idiocy, but Jace was not to be deterred. He began an emotive expression of how he had suffered at the hands of terrorism, as exemplified by Team Gamerfood (referred to as "Al-Gamerfood and Al-Shahab", a bastardization of the name of the Somali militant group Al-Shabaab). FlyAwayN0w incredulously asked him how this related to the thousands of innocents who had died in the GWoT, the Northern Irish Troubles and other terror campaigns. This only encouraged Jace to relate the story of how he was once followed for forty miles and round numerous corners by a Muslim man in a car, only being deterred by stopping outside a Police station.

A Climax is reached, and not in a good way
This was simply too much for WachtAmWeb. Upon his turn to speak, he declared that Jace had no proof for the story he had just recounted, that Jace was a racist for assuming that the "Muslim" was out to get him (Jace's reasoning had been that the "Muslim" was not white, and that only white people lived in his neighbourhood). WachtAmWeb then said, "you shat yourself because someone was in a car behind you! The US is a free country!" Jace immediately banned WachtAmWeb from the group, whereupon the frustrated Englishman took to crying "GET WRECKED, CUNT! ALLAH IS THE LIGHT!" in the comments of the Hashd stream, prompting him to be banned from there as well. FlyAwayN0w attempted to protest at this flagrant abuse of power, but Jace (who had already sworn numerous times during the soiree) claimed that WachtAmWeb had violated the rules of the stream by swearing.

Oh dear.

By this point, the Hashd stream comments were boiling with sedition against Jace. On /k/, a thread was in progress in which a number of anons were in the process of hatching a cunning plan.

The Battle continues
After a brief recess, the sorry affair continued. One by one, Jace banned the other plaintiffs for violating the rules or simply for speaking the truth; at one point he even banned FlyAwayN0w, only to invite him back immediately afterwards. The standard of conversation fell, and Jace even went so far as to call a witness, A Cow (a known member of Team Gamerfood; A Cow played his part brilliantly, sullenly answering only direct questions and being rapidly banned by Jace for his caprice). Jace continued to chug beer, eat peanuts and swear liberally, in violation of his own rules.

Meanwhile, in the Hashd comments, cries of "MOOT IS KILL", "TYCE, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!" and "YUO WILL 9/11!" were heard echoing from the rafters, and Tyce continued to ban users left, right and centre, all to very little avail.

9:11 - it happens
With a great cry of "IT'S HAPPENING!", Team GamerFood  DDoSed the stream at exactly 9:11 PM. The Steam Chat and the Hashd stream soon returned with Jace and Tyce appearing shocked and confused. At this point, WachtAmWeb, who had been lurking on /k/ and in the Hashd comments since his expulsion from the Steam group, departed to go to bed (it was 2:30 AM in the land of Bong). The plaintiffs had been confirmed in the knowledge they already possessed - that Jace and Tyce were as dumb, naive and blinkered as they had always believed, and that Jace's grip on reality was slipping by the hour.

"They've Infiltrated our woods, this is fucked up."
During the trial. Tyce recieved a message from a Steam user claiming Islamic Terrorists had hired the IRA to attack the Jace household. Jace and Tyce seemed unconcerned. The trial never reached a verdict, but Jace wasn't counting on an extrajudicial execution by Allah.

Suddenly, before a verdict is reached, the duo recieve another message from the Deputy Director of the CIA (his username of "DDoCIA" confirmed this) claiming that the terrorists are in the neighborhood. Tyce and Jace both get frosty. Jace grabs his knife and puts a plastic something or another on his chest, and he and Tyce exit to sweep the area for terrorists. FlyAwayNow tells a war story of his time in Bosnia during a NATO intervention campaign and the chat is moved. The stream ends. Tyce and Jace have not been heard from since that night. It is unkown whether or not they are alive.

Semper Fidelis

Subject: Jace "Stryker" Conners

Status: KIA(?)

In loving memory: April 20, 1995 - October 26, 2013.

The Debriefing: eyewitness account from a trusted Gamerfood operative
Here's the drone feed I lazily threw together that caused them to spaz out

http://puu.sh/4ZDU5

and the chat log of subsequent spazzing out, if you throw this in be sure to make it sound like his PC was bugged or some shit so he doesn't catch on http://puu.sh/4ZJmS.txt